Author Archives: Mistress Ayn

I have never been a big fan of putting labels on things or people.  It can be so limiting.  But sometimes things do need a bit of definition in order to avoid potential problems.  Recently, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of clients think they are submissive when in actuality they fetishists.  What is the difference?  Let’s get to that in a bit.

Accidently misrepresenting yourself to a ProDomme can cause problems in session.  When the Domme is expecting a submissive client and gets what some of us call a “do me” client or a “kingster” things can go downhill fast.  “Do me” and “kingsters” are derogatory terms we use to refer to clients that are very specific about the details of a session and will often continue to convey their desires during the session.  Pure fetishists are often defined as such – mainly due to a misconception of what they really are.

A fetishist is not necessarily submissive at all.  Fetishists have sexualized a specific activity, body part, type of clothing, etc and need that in session to get where they are wanting to go.  The end desire for a fetishist may very well be to feel submissive or out of control, but he has very specific needs (and is often very controlling where his needs are concerned) in order to reach that end.

Submissives, on the other hand tend to want to feel out of control and their main desire is to please the person they are with.  They are the delight of most ProDommes because they show up with a list of activities they enjoy, a few hard limits and they want the Domme to take control.  Not knowing what is around the next corner is part of the appeal and they revel in a true power exchange – not a pretend one that they constructed.

It’s not that fetishists are bad clients.  It is just important that we know what we are dealing with going into the session.  By having all the facts we can plan a session that goes smoothly and is what both parties expect.

Still confused about whether you are a submisive or a fetishist?   Obviously, not everything is black and white but there is a definite difference between the two extremes of submissive and fetishist.  Here are some general ways I identify the differences:

• Submissives tend to have a long list of interests and are more concerned about pleasing the Mistress than they are any specific activity.
• Fetishists tend to fixate on one or two activities and are usually not open to any others.

• Fetishists often have very specific wardrobe requests:  latex, leather, garter belts, etc.
• Submissives are seldom concerned with outfit choices and let the Mistress choose what she is in the mood to wear.

• Fetishists often need a roleplay (these can get quite elaborate) to “justify” or get into the mindset of being dominated.
• Submissives usually are fine with the slave/Mistress scenario and don’t need elaborate roleplays.

• Submissives often have only one Mistress that they serve and crave a special, more devoted relationship.
• Fetishists, on the other hand, tend to be more experimental when it comes to who they see.

• Fetishists are very “goal oriented” in session and are very disappointed if the goal isn’t reached.
• Submissives see sessioning more as a journey that is to be experienced and enjoyed and the end goal is nice if achieved, but it’s secondary.

Admittedly most clients that visit a Domme are a blend of submissive and fetishist.  Most submissives have some fetishes that make them feel more submissive.  Many fetishists ultimately want to be controlled/dominated but need their fetish to get into the headspace.

In general, I prefer playing with clients that lean toward submissive.  I have had some great times with fetishists and I have some “regulars” that I thoroughly enjoy.  However, there have been others that I have decided not to see again.  A fetishist walks a bit of a tightrope when he hopes to see a Domme.  Many of us, that have been in the industry for more than a few years, are truly dominant (not just actors playing a part).  That’s why we are still around.  So when we are approached by a client that has very specific requests that don’t allow a lot of creativity and/or don’t sound particularly respectful of the concept of Female domination, we may balk.  Yes, as ProDommes we are being paid to engage in certain activities, but most of us need to feel empowered by those activities not just a puppet for a client’s enjoyment.

Personally, I tend to have issues with the pure fetishist that has no interest in the power exchange and giving up control.  These clients want to control every aspect of the session down to directing during the session if things aren’t going their way.  To Me, that is not what FemDom is about and these clients would be better served with a fetish friendly escort – even if they are not wanting to engage in sex.  The problem is, they often are looking for a skill level that only a ProDomme would possess – and therein lies the rub.  They want our skills but not necessarily the dominant headset that goes along with it.  Communicating all of this prior to a session is very important.  Having no session at all is preferable to having one that could go horribly wrong.  Getting bitchslapped for trying to control the session is probably not something a fetishist fetishizes.  (Try saying that 3 times fast.)

I would like to add that I think some fetishists are on a journey toward submission.  They want to let go, to give up control – they just don’t know how to get there.  I have spoken with numerous submissives that started out as pure fetishists.  Along the way, they found their true joy in letting go.  Often they will credit a specific Mistress that helped them turn the corner.  This indicates that trust is required and that developing a special relationship with a Mistress is necessary to make that leap.

There is nothing wrong with being a pure fetishist.  If that’s how you identify, then own it.  But it’s important that the Domme you are wanting to see understands your position and can make an informed choice as to whether to grant you a session or not.  Be clear in your communication and be prepared for the occasional turndown.  Trust Me, it’s better than being bitchslapped.

**Please note that I have used the pronoun “he” throughout this article for simplicity sake.  However, I will note that I have seen many submissive female clients and I don’t remember ever seeing one that I would classify as purely a fetishist.  That is certainly not a scientific sampling but it is a quirky fact that I thought I would share.

This article was originally posted on The Buzz Forum and you can view it there, comment and join the discussion.