Monthly Archives: February 2015

Demystifying the appeal of 50 Shades – Hint: It has nothing to do with BDSM

MistressAynDec2014--7eI know we are all tired of the hype, reviews and general trashing of 50 Shades of Grey. Personally I never thought I would chime in on the subject.  I didn’t see the movie and I was only able to read about half of the book before giving up on there being anything meaningful or entertaining about BDSM in the novel.  After about 200 pages there had only been one spanking scene and a tour of Grey’s dungeon – hardly what I would call a book about BDSM.

Now that the movie is out, once again My news feed is inundated with articles about it – most of which I dismiss and don’t even skim, but today one caught My attention.  It was titled:  “Forget the BDSM in 50 Shades – It’s all about the money.”  After just a cursory look at the article I could see that it had finally put into words what had been worrying around in the back of My mind, but for some reason I had been unable to articulate.  This is the quote that caught My eye:  “This fetishization of wealth, along with Grey’s whiteness and good looks, also seems to be the only thing that excuses his obsessive, stalkerish behavior throughout . . . Just ask yourself a simple question: Would a story about a poor but psychologically controlling farmer who likes tying up girlfriends and whipping them in a barn have had the impact on our nation’s consciousness that Fifty Shades has?”  Bingo!  This book isn’t about BDSM.  It’s about the fantasy of being “rescued” and living the “good life” . . . about flying in private jets and drinking $500 bottles of wine.  Submitting to a little abuse or swallowing your dignity is just the price for entry.

BDSM was just a gimmick to sell what has been sold to women for ages -your security and success comes in the form of a man.  And I guess if that is what women want to believe, these types of “romance” books will stay on the bestseller list.  (That is a topic far beyond My expertise and pay grade so I will not expound further.)  The book(s) weren’t meant to edify or destroy BDSM.  They were meant to entertain and make money – and that has been done quite successfully.

As much as I wish it were true, I doubt very seriously that after reading the book, many women tapped their partners and said, “wanna tie me up and spank me tonight?” or “want me to tie you up and spank you?”  (For those few that did, kudos to you.)  I just hope they are not looking at their partner and finding them lacking – longing for their prince charming.  Hopefully it’s just a bit of escapism, but I have always thought that these types of romance novels perpetuated disillusionment and set a bar for real men that is impossible to attain.  So in the end, I don’t think this book has set back BDSM.  I don’t really think it has set back anything – it’s just reinforced the status quo.

A natural progression – one subs story

MistressAynDec2014--36e2Learning your place in the D/s relationship is a journey.  Some subs take it seriously.  Others don’t.  The ones that get the most from their time with a chosen Domme are the subs that can “let go”.  After all, the power exchange is what true D/s is all about.  My gls (that’s the name I gave him and what it stands for will remain a secret between us) wrote a wonderful open letter about topping from the bottom several months ago and as he has continued to grow he wants to continue to share his epiphanies with others. Below is his follow up to “Topping from the Bottom”.

i have been mulling my thoughts over since i wrote “Topping from the Bottom,” which was part of an unrequested apology to Mistress Ayn for my unwillingness to truly accept Her Power over me, and to fully accept my submission to Her.

It was obvious to me that i had a lot more to learn, and understand about my obligations to Her, as well as understand both what She means to me, and what Her responsibilities are to me as my Mistress.

No matter when, there will be a time when we as subs finally realize and understand our place in the presence of Our/our Dominatrix. Many of us i believe, never get to understand what that really means. i believe that there are a lot of reasons for that.

Some subs initially date/partner/marry bossy women because they have a need to serve, but are still lost and confused with regard to Who they are really searching for.

Some subs, seek out prosti-dommes whose inexperience and greed can leave subs more confused and  feeling worse about themselves than ever before. Thanks to the internet all subs now have the opportunity to find competent Professionals but not every Domme is suited to every sub, chemistry is still involved, and that makes the search for one’s Domme so much harder and the successful match up so much sweeter.

We have all read the research about how many escorts have regular clients who just want to talk before and after a “meeting.” There is a reason for this i imagine and it is that those clients have no one to just talk to who has no agenda to pursue, it is a business transaction.

It is not so simple for subs, we need Someone to talk to, to tell our deepest darkest secrets to, and then we want Them to accept us for who we are, and take us on a trip, that we have only ever been able to take in our fantasies. As they take us there They will reassure us on Our/our journey, telling and showing us that it is ok to go to that place, and afterwards they will bring us back safely. A Great Domme knows how to do this, and  understands the value and importance of aftercare. Aftercare is time that the sub bonds with them and leaves the session feeling safe and secure.

i fought aftercare. It was too hard to accept what had gone on in session, my fantasies realized were too powerful for me to comprehend. When a fantasy remains a fantasy anyone can push that back into the “i really didn’t mean it” part of one’s brain. Once a Domme makes your fantasy real, there is no putting that fantasy back in the bottle – you are now facing a new reality that can be scary, disturbing and for many subs simply overwhelming, because someone else now knows.

The checklist that you complete before you see a Domme makes one “address and confess” these desires and fantasies and begin the sharing with another person. This is a soul-searching leap of faith and if the sub has found the wrong Domme things can go wrong fast, because the sub has now shared the “big secret” with Someone else, Someone in a  position of power, and if the sub doesn’t have the feeling of being 100% safe, they can retreat and struggle with being a submissive.

This is important to understand  because there is an enormous difference between “being submissive,” and “being a submissive.”

What happens next?  Well in my case i have just given up trying to understand what happens next because the Domme/sub relationship has now moved to a higher level.

We all know the Hollywood stars who fly to see their psychiatrist, well the same thing happens when you have let go and given yourself to your special Mistress. There is only one true Mistress for you and this S/d relationship has changed because now when You/you both session, you are letting yourself be used to feed Your Mistress’s desire. I have now glimpsed this, had it whispered in my ear and understand the only thing i need to know is that i am now a player in a far greater scene, a scene that gives Her pleasure and meets Her needs. my pleasure will come from servitude, obedience and feeding Her needs and desires.

This brings us back to the checklist that you, the sub, filled out so many sessions ago. Now that you have truly passed yourself over to your Mistress , you have given Her Carte Blanche to fulfill Her needs. This doesn’t mean that if you stated no marks, that you will now return home striped like a Zebra, but if you were a greedy slut and checked off every box a fantasy review may be in order.

If you checked of you had a fantasy for ‘forced bi’ and every time your Mistress had ridden you or taken your mouth,  She had whispered in your ear, “Would you suck a real one for me, or I want to take you to a gay club and make you service some boys, would you do that for me?” think carefully about the answer you checked off long ago.

If something feeds Your Dominatrix’s hunger, and you truly want to go there,  you need to understand the ramifications of crossing over that bridge with Her. you are stepping into what i view as the highest level of a truly submissive relationship where the Domme uses you exclusively for Her pleasure.

It has taken me a long time  and nearly spoiled a wonderful relationship with my Mistress while i fumbled and bumbled along , but now i have emotionally crossed that bridge with Her guidance, and trust that Her affection will lead me safely on the other side.

i hope that you all can find your bridge, cross it safely with your Mistress, and enjoy the other side.
Mistress Ayn’s gls.

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