Category Archives: Miscellaneous Musings

Venus in Furs – a book review

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I sheepishly admit that I have only recently read the iconic book Venus in Furs.  Written in 1870 by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, the novella is a FemDom staple and in fact the term masochist originates from the author’s name.  I am not sure why I hadn’t read it before.  Maybe I balked because it was written so long ago.  Maybe I thought I already knew the story, but after learning a bit about Sacher-Masoch’s real life (he desperately wanted to be cuckolded by his wife), I decided to read it.  Of course I wanted the Sardax version with all the beautiful illustrations but it took a while to arrive, so I started one of the more readily available interpretations from the original German.

The book was a quick and relatively easy read.  The story, for those that are unfamiliar, is about a young man that is obsessed with thoughts of a dominant and cruel woman.  Like many fetishes, Severin’s was born in adolescence when an aunt, dressed in fur, harshly punished him and from that point forward his sexuality was intertwined with that experience.  He dreams of a woman he can call his own that would treat him in this manner.  Hopefully the incongruity in that statement is not lost on you, as it was Severin.

Enter Wanda.  After admiring Wanda from afar and transferring his fantasies onto her, the two eventually develop a relationship and Severin confides his desires.  This is the classic tale of be careful what you wish for and Wanda takes Severin on a physically and mentally cruel journey that he both hates and loves.  There is a quite a twist to the end of the story that I don’t want to give away – and it is worth reading to the end to observe the reckoning of fantasy versus reality.   The story is not salacious.  In fact the depictions of sex do not go beyond the occasional kiss or embrace.  Instead it’s a journey into mental and physical domination,  laced with obsession.

So I read the version by Fernanda Savage and right on the heels of finishing it the Sardax translation arrived.  I thumbed through the book, enjoying the gorgeous art.  Simply out of curiosity, just to see how Sardax’s interpretation compared to the other book, I read the first chapter and I was sucked right back in.  I can’t quite put My finger on why I liked the Sardax version so much more.  Maybe it was because the sentence structures were less archaic.  Maybe it was because Sardax really understands Femdom.  Regardless, it pulled Me back into the story and I enjoyed it even more the second time around.

If you haven’t read Venus in Furs, treat yourself and order the Sardax translation with illustrations.

 

 

 

How to become a professional Dominatrix.

 

So you think you wanna be a ProDomme?

During every financial downturn my inbox fills with requests to be trained as a Dominatrix.  For some reason when times are tough many ladies think that the adult industry is the place to turn, and it might be, but deciding to become a Dominatrix because whatever you are currently involved in isn’t working out may not be your best move.

First, ask yourself the following questions:

Do you enjoy kink in your personal life? Do you engage in BDSM personally?  Do you go to public Dungeons or attend kink events?  If the answer is “no” then you are probably looking at this profession purely as a means to make money and if that is the case, I can pretty much guarantee that you won’t last.  Dealing with other people’s kinky fantasies day in and day out is not for the non-kinkster.

Do you love men? I don’t mean just like or tolerate men, but truly love men?  If not, take a pass.  This profession is primarily about the male fantasy.  The idea that you get to abuse men for a living may be your fantasy but it is not reality.  If you can’t communicate with men, empathize with them, be confident around them and respect them, this is not the profession for you.

Are you a disciplined self starter? As a Dominatrix you are self employed.  There won’t be anyone there to tell you to answer your emails, place your ads, keep your social media up to date, participate in photo shoots, network with your peers, maintain communication with your clients, be on time and in general act like a professional.  It’s all on you.  If you could do all of the above, you could probably be successful in anything you chose.  Are you sure you want to put that kind of effort into this?

Are you working through issues? Trying to get a handle on personal problems like relationship drama, substance abuse, depression or anxiety does not mix well with the adult industry.  Unfortunately it seems to be the first place many people turn but confidence and inner strength are needed to survive and succeed here.  Otherwise it will exacerbate your issues and potentially chew you up.

The four questions above are just a start.  The hard truth is that it takes more than an attractive look and a leather corset to flourish and make a name for yourself in the industry.  Skill, empathy and professionalism are pre-requisites.

 

Do something you love.

That being said, if the above questions are not an issue for you, then being a Dominatrix may be the ideal profession.  Imagine doing something you truly love everyday and getting paid for it.  That’s how I feel.  I have done many things in my life and have been successful at most of them, but I have never done anything that I enjoy more than this.

My story:

I was introduced to FemDom by my significant other more than 20 years ago.   I went to clubs, read voraciously, hung around with lifestyle BDSMers and in general learned and tried everything I could, just for the experience – because I loved the kink.  In 2009 I decided to make a change in my career path and took my knowledge of BDSM (there were still gaps even after 10 years) and combined it with my corporate experience and marketing expertise.  I became a Dominatrix – but I still needed help.

Nothing in life is free and I didn’t expect other industry professionals to help me for free.  I still needed to know how the professional side of the industry worked.  How do you screen clients?  Where is the best place to do sessions?  Where do you advertise?  Etc, etc. So I sought out a mentor but I offered something in return.  After all, you are asking a seemingly successful person to train you and set you up so you can basically go into competition with them.  Why should they do that?

What do you have to offer?

So sit back and think about that for a minute.  How much do you need and what are you asking for?  Do you need to learn the FemDom scene from the ground up?  Do you just need some logistical information to get the business side of things started?  What is this knowledge worth and how do you intend to pay for it?  Will you offer an upfront consulting fee or one paid out over time?  Will you agree to rent space from the mentor if they offer such a service?  These are legitimate questions.  You need to have answers before you start knocking on doors.

If none of this has discouraged you, then follow you dream.  Me?  I no longer mentor.  I found it to be a thankless job that was unappreciated by most that sought my help.  But there are people out there that will help you if you are sincere and offer something in return.  If you want to take the time to email me, I can point you in the right direction.  I still recommend connecting with local scene people.  They can teach you much and even send you in the direction of those that may be able to help you further.  The more you know before you enter the arena of professional domination, the more equipped you will be for success.

Tryst Interview

 

I was recently interviewed by the staff at Tryst. If you were ever curious about some of the more random things in My life and career this is a good place to start.  I dish to the following questions and more:

 

 

What are some of your favourite fetishes to cater to and why?

What is a common misconception you see within the BDSM space?

What’s your one go to piece of advice for Dominatrix’s just starting out?

 

For answers, to these and other questions, visit the Tryst site.

Perfect Self-administered Ruined Orgasm

 

The Submissive Male’s Guide to the Perfect Self-administered Ruined Orgasm

A ruined orgasm for a submissive male is one of the most intensely pleasurable, toe-curling, sweat-inducing, back-arching, fist-clenching, teeth-gnashing, brain-bending endeavors a submissive male can experience to drive him into an animal sexual frenzy.  One of the biggest misconceptions about ruined orgasms comes from the word “ruined.”  It sounds like torture or something a submissive male might do to himself only for punishment.  But, it could be a way to experience ecstasy, delight and have one of the biggest and best orgasms he has ever had in his entire life.

The name is misleading in that a properly ruined orgasm is STILL an orgasm!  Yet, it does feel profoundly different to the submissive male, but it still feels great, yet in a different way than a normal orgasm.  The perfect ruined orgasm is a special kind of climax, achieved in a very specific way that triggers a different sequence of physical, emotional, and hormonal reactions in the submissive male’s body.  To a male accustomed to and expecting normal orgasms, the sudden surprise of new and different sensations might be confusing in his hyper-aroused brain by causing unexpected disappointment. The submissive male is expecting one thing – a powerful climax, but at the last second, he gets something different.  A ruined orgasm does not tell the submissive male’s brain to release any of the hormones associated with the post-orgasmic “afterglow,” such as prolactin and oxytocin. Dopamine levels remain elevated throughout the body. Instead of feeling sluggish and exhausted after an orgasm, the submissive male remains aroused and sexually frustrated after ruining the orgasm.   Rarely would a male ruin his own orgasm, but a submissive male, under the strict control or directions of a Mistress, different sensations and motivations occur.

There are a few important things that enable a submissive male to have a “perfect” (or as close to that as possible) ruined orgasm.

First, often associated with the perfect ruined orgasm is extended pleasure.   One possible path for the submissive male to take is to perform, possibly at the direction of a Mistress, repeated (four to six consecutive days), prolonged (from 15 to 30 minutes) stop-and-start stimulation.  This is commonly known as edging.  This seems to charge up the submissive male and his cock to a higher sensitivity and definitely a greater yearning for an orgasm, any orgasm.

Second, unlike a normal orgasm, with a ruined orgasm all stimulation stops as the ejaculation begins to build.  And this is the tricky part, the stroking of the cock toward an orgasmic explosion needs to terminate at a critical moment.  If you wait until the sperms starts its path through the urethra, it’s too late.  Stopping at the height of the build up but before you teeter over that edge is critical and this is where many would be “ruiners” fail, by stroking too long, either out of ignorance or lack of control.

To achieve a “perfect” ruined orgasm, keen attention must be given to the signals from the submissive male’s body, particularly as his stroking leads to what could be “THE” climactic end to the edging, but making sure to stop the stroking before the climax actually occurrs.  There is a critical point when more stroking would achieve orgasm.  It takes all of the submissive male’s willpower and desire to please his Mistress to submit and follow Her orders – when a ruined orgasm only is permitted.

The submissive male needs to train himself to give himself a perfect ruined orgasm.  He needs to know his body very, very well.  He needs to study his specific sequence of escalating physical pleasure signals, to identify the first possible moment in the sequence where he can let go and cause himself to still cascade through climax.  Arched back, tensed muscles, grunts, whimpers, pulsing cock, retracted balls–every submissive male has his signals.  Leaking pre-cum is an excellent signal for the submissive male to become aware of if hoping to achieve a ruined orgasm.  Instead of letting go “at the last second,” the submissive male actually wants to let go as early as possible.  He needs to hang, untouched, on the verge of climax, for as long as physically possible, before his body reflexively sends him over.  If done correctly, the perfect ruined orgasm results in his sperm to just dribble out, under weak contractions, if at all.  The submissive male should desire and seek to extend that “hangtime” just before ejaculation to be as long as possible.

Sadly, but understandable, the submissive male typically misjudges his own point-of-no-return.  It is probably long before he says it is.  The problem is he is in a mindless pleasure-trance when stroking toward orgasm.  The submissive male is not the most reliable person at that point but needs to train himself to become more sensitive and attentive to achieve the perfect self-administered ruined orgasm.

Ample loads of sperm may be released from the submissive male’s cock during a ruined orgasm, especially if not allowed to orgasm for an extended time, but not with the intensity of a normal orgasm.  If successful, the male’s sperm is only released through a dribbling out of the cock (not a powerful spurting like a normal orgasm) or by “forcing” the sperm out by firmly but gently squeezing the cock by forming a circle with his thumb and forefinger and running his two fingers from the base of his cock to the tip in a milking action.

Why is a ruined orgasm so special?  In a normal orgasm, the male hits his peak of pleasure, then comes crashing down in a wonderful, violent torrent of release, followed by an involuntary rest-and-recharge time called the “refractory period.”  He feels a warm, satisfying wash of hormones.  Then his cock goes limp and his entire body instinctively commands him to rest and recover.

In a ruined orgasm, the submissive male hits his peak of pleasure, tips just barely over the edge, but the violent crash is not triggered.  It is not triggered because the expected physical stimulation is absent.  Weak muscle contractions struggle to squeeze the cum from his body.  He feels an electric tremor throughout his body, distinctly different from the warm wash of a normal orgasm.  Importantly, the sense of satisfaction never triggers.  The submissive male had an orgasm and he unloaded some cum, but he feels “unfinished.”  Despite having released his load, the submissive male is exceptionally horny and frustrated, not exhausted and satisfied as with a normal orgasm, and is likely still erect.  While his balls are drained, he did not have the sensation of having an orgasm.

 

There may be many reasons why a submissive male would attempt to have the “perfect ruined orgasm.”

Some submissive males are turned on with this kind of play – the control exerted by a Mistress, the using of his cock for Her pleasure and not his, and the continued sexual frustration which does not occur after a normal orgasm.  The male remains as before the ruined orgasm, hanging on his Mistress’s every command, ready and willing to obey Her.

A ruined orgasm is different and something a male would not choose on his own.  As a submissive, the male relinquishes all control to his Mistress, She makes the decisions and orders him to do something that he likely would not have initiated.  A Mistress might allow Her submissive male the pleasure of a normal orgasm or may decide to have him endure a ruined orgasm – it is completely under Her control.

A ruined orgasm causes the submissive male to focus on pleasing his Mistress, not achieving his own pleasure.  As a true submissive, the male’s thoughts and actions should be about his Mistress, not himself.

Masturbation, something a male may do all too frequently before becoming submissive to his Mistress, would allow him total control – when to start, how long to stroke, when to finish, and how to finish.  The ruined orgasm is the quintessential giving up of control and trusting in his Mistress to make all of the decisions, especially on how to finish the stroking session.

Finally, prolonged chastity without any release can be problematic for a submissive male’s health.  A Mistress should be sensitive to that and a ruined orgasm serves to provide the submissive male with the medical benefits of draining his balls, while not providing him with the pleasure associated with a normal orgasm.  Like milking the prostate, the ruined orgasm is beneficial for the submissive male’s health.

Researched and written by slaveboy.  Assisted by sissy jennifer.

Ruined Orgasm - Mistress Ayn

 

Cuckold fantasy – making it real

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

 

The concept of being cuckolded is quite common among men.  I hear it a lot in My industry – men fantasizing about their wives being with other men.  I agree it’s a hot fantasy but in practice I advise against it.   So much can go wrong that can end up tearing a couple apart, but it doesn’t mean you can’t safely enjoy the fantasy.  It just takes effort and imagination.

While doing some distance training with a couple it was revealed that the man had a long held cuckold fantasy and that the wife was resistant.  I gave them My stock advice to keep it in the fantasy realm but I also coached them on how to enjoy the fantasy.  Good fantasy fulfilment often involves at least a little mindfuckery and that’s exactly what we did.  The wife set up the fantasy by informing her husband that she had met someone online (they had been trolling cuckold forums/sites) that she wanted to meet in person.  She explained that she would feel better meeting this person out for a drink to break the ice and that she wanted to go alone so she wouldn’t feel inhibited.

She made her husband help her pick out her outfit and get dressed for the date, all the while telling him how excited she was to meet this guy. He asked her questions about him, she answered.  They made it real.

Once she got to the bar, she checked in as agreed and throughout the evening she sent her husband provocative texts, often leaving his texts unanswered, letting him stew.  She then announced that she was going to get into the car with the guy because the bar had gotten crowded and she wanted to get a look at his cock.  She later texted him a photo of an nicely endowed penis that was obviously taken on a cell phone in a car.  The husband started to doubt that this was just a fantasy . . .

This byplay continued for 3 hours while the husband got more and more aroused.  In addition to arousal he had feelings of jealousy and concern.  All of this is part of the cuckold game.

When she arrived home, she told him all the juicy details of her encounter including having impromptu sex in the guy’s car.  But now she was ready to fuck her husband and have him reclaim what was his.  He was to get the bedroom ready while she changed.  During this time, she rubbed some of her husband’s cum (saved from a previous scene) on her pussy.  When she stipped down for him, she instructed him to clean the other man’s cum from her pussy with his mouth.  The sex that followed was described as “amazing” by them both.

With some effort and roleplay you can make most any fantasy realistic and safe.  I debriefed them both via Skype after the scene and the wife (who had never quite “gotten” the fantasy) said she was extremely aroused during the scene.  Knowing that she was pulling her husbands strings was a power trip and then seeing how excited he was when she returned home made her excited too.  It was a win win.

A review of this couple’s online BDSM training including reference to this cuckolding scene can be found on The Buzz.

**Note:  My opinions are My own and may not be shared by others.  I do not hold Myself out as an expert on cuckolding but I do live a polyamorous lifestyle.  Along the way I have encountered other poly couples, swingers, cucks, hotwives, etc and My opinions about cuckolding come from those experiences.

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