Category Archives: Education

Putting the Professional in Pro Dom

Monday, 01 October 2018 11:41
Written by
0 Comments

Often when subs talk about sessions or review them, it’s all about the activities, the Dommes appearance, the session space and so forth.  All of these things are important but what about what comes first and lies beneath the surface?  Professionalism.

Recently a submissive took the time to post a review that wasn’t a review of a particular session but of his experience with Me as a professional.  Like him, I believe when a Domme puts the label “Pro” in front of her title it should mean something.  It should mean that a sub’s time is just as important as Ours.  It should mean that respect goes both ways.  It should mean that discretion, cleanliness and safety are expectations that should not need to be worried about – after all, you are dealing with a professional.

This sub goes above and beyond to sing My praises and let readers know how professionalism in Pro Domination should work.  Frankly, it’s one of the most important reviews I have ever gotten and I am very appreciative of his efforts.

The review can be read on The Buzz.  For your convenience, it is posted in its entirety below:

So.. this isn’t a session review. You can see review after review of Mistress Ayn and how amazing She is in session and I am more than willing to attest to how true that is. Instead, this is actually something that is just as important but is rarely discussed in the reviews on this board and that is how amazing Mistress Ayn is as a Professional in this field.

If you know my name or have seen my posts you probably know I have been pretty prolific with my sessioning over the last few years. Therefore, I have dealt with many, many different Pro Dommes. Each Woman is unique, with their own set of rules and methods for dealing with clients and Mistress Ayn is no different in that respect . . .

However, by far, the single most professional and considerate Domme I have ever sessioned with is Mistress Ayn and IMO, She deserves to be called out, praised and known for this fact. Don’t get me wrong, She has Her pain in the butt rules like requiring you to fill out the form on her website before She will consider you as a client. However, She is also willing to give you the logical explanation of exactly why She requires that  . . .

Once accepted, setting up the session itself has always been smooth and easy with the expectations for confirmation calls and pre-session instructions communicated very well. She responds to emails in a timely manner and is perfectly willing to talk on the phone if I ever feel I need to ask/explain something interactively rather than just through text. At the session, She has simple and clear procedures that make you feel your clothes, wallet and other stuff is safe. It is clear that Her equipment is always clean and sanitized and She always separates what She has used during a session from what She hasn’t.

As praiseworthy as all of that is, all of those things are what most Pro Dommes do and other than the incredibly personable way that goes about all of the business surrounding a session, it is pretty standard for those who are truly great in this field. But, even beyond that She loves everything about what She does and She loves to be able to be creative and truly personalize the experience while insuring Her own enjoyment. Again, this is similar to most great Pro Dommes.

So, since these are things that a lot of great Pros do, you may ask what has driven me to write this today? It is that I wrote and asked Her for a reference for another Domme that She knows and who is planning a visit to Detroit. However, instead of just saying “Sure Asp, you can use me as a reference” or “Yes, tell Her contact Me in this way”, Mistress Ayn did something so simple yet so insanely professional that it just blew me away.

Instead, She offered to and then reached out to the Domme and vouched for me in order to make it easier on both myself and the other Domme. Its the kind of little thing that you see in great customer service organizations and yet almost never in this world. Not just to say yes to a request but to see how with just an extremely small effort She could make things easier for everyone involved.

It would be incredibly professional for a lawyer or a doctor or an accountant to do something along those lines with a colleague. Yet in this new world where the “Pro” in Pro Domme tends to stand for “Fuck You Pay Me beta boy” rather than actually being Professional in how a Domme interacts with clients outside of the service itself, it was just an awesome thing to experience. The thing is She probably considers it to be no big deal and just what everyone should do to help a good client connect with a Domme colleague, and that attitude is really why Mistress Ayn really puts the Professional in Pro Domme.

Well… I am here to say it is a very big deal to me. Oh, and as for when you are lucky enough to be within Her control, She is just as amazingly Pro at all of that as well (including the butt stuff).

Asp

FAQ #30 – Are you into financial domination?

Monday, 24 September 2018 18:30
Written by
0 Comments

I am often asked if I will participate in financial domination or blackmail scenarios.  The short answer is “no”.  I will occasionally play around with it as a theme on a NiteFlirt call or make you pay for unauthorized orgasms, but that’s about the extent of it.  I have no interest in any sort of long-term FinDom relationship.

Why?  I don’t find it particularly fun.  I don’t enjoy playing the bratty girl that expects you to open your wallet just because I tell you.  Call Me old fashioned but I think there should be some value for any sort of financial exchange and I can’t really wrap My head around a sub wanting that kind of domination.  In addition, I would never blackmail a client in reality, so pretending that I would just seems forced.  I’ve read extensively about financial domination, I’ve experimented with it and I just don’t find that it is for Me.

My lack of interest in it does not invalidate it as a real fetish or a real form of domination.  I get that there are submissives that see turning over their finances to a dominant woman to be the ultimate surrender of their private space and a powerful aphrodisiac.  I mean no disrespect to FinDommes that are good at their trade (although I think there are precious few of them that are genuinely good).  As long as the Domme acts responsibly and the sub is consenting, I have no issues with it.  But there is the rub.  Since FinDom is practiced primarily online, a new breed of Dominatrix has sprung up and problems are starting to arise.  More than one case has actually turned criminal when a FinDomme released private information about a client to the public because he refused to continue the roleplay.

If you seek financial domination, choose your FinDom Mistress wisely.  Negotiate the real world implications and have a written record of that negotiation.  The more exposed you really are, the more real and powerful it may feel, but the results, if things go wrong, could be catastrophic to your real life.

Submissive or Fetishist? Which are you?

Monday, 02 July 2018 10:31
Written by
0 Comments

I have never been a big fan of putting labels on things or people.  It can be so limiting.  But sometimes things do need a bit of definition in order to avoid potential problems.  Recently, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of clients think they are submissive when in actuality they fetishists.  What is the difference?  Let’s get to that in a bit.

Accidently misrepresenting yourself to a ProDomme can cause problems in session.  When the Domme is expecting a submissive client and gets what some of us call a “do me” client or a “kingster” things can go downhill fast.  “Do me” and “kingsters” are derogatory terms we use to refer to clients that are very specific about the details of a session and will often continue to convey their desires during the session.  Pure fetishists are often defined as such – mainly due to a misconception of what they really are.

A fetishist is not necessarily submissive at all.  Fetishists have sexualized a specific activity, body part, type of clothing, etc and need that in session to get where they are wanting to go.  The end desire for a fetishist may very well be to feel submissive or out of control, but he has very specific needs (and is often very controlling where his needs are concerned) in order to reach that end.

Submissives, on the other hand tend to want to feel out of control and their main desire is to please the person they are with.  They are the delight of most ProDommes because they show up with a list of activities they enjoy, a few hard limits and they want the Domme to take control.  Not knowing what is around the next corner is part of the appeal and they revel in a true power exchange – not a pretend one that they constructed.

It’s not that fetishists are bad clients.  It is just important that we know what we are dealing with going into the session.  By having all the facts we can plan a session that goes smoothly and is what both parties expect.

Still confused about whether you are a submisive or a fetishist?   Obviously, not everything is black and white but there is a definite difference between the two extremes of submissive and fetishist.  Here are some general ways I identify the differences:

  • Submissives tend to have a long list of interests and are more concerned about pleasing the Mistress than they are any specific activity.
  • Fetishists tend to fixate on one or two activities and are usually not open to any others.
  • Fetishists often have very specific wardrobe requests:  latex, leather, garter belts, etc.
  • Submissives are seldom concerned with outfit choices and let the Mistress choose what she is in the mood to wear.
  • Fetishists often need a roleplay (these can get quite elaborate) to “justify” or get into the mindset of being dominated.
  • Submissives usually are fine with the slave/Mistress scenario and don’t need elaborate roleplays.
  • Submissives often have only one Mistress that they serve and crave a special, more devoted relationship.
  • Fetishists, on the other hand, tend to be more experimental when it comes to who they see.
  • Fetishists are very “goal oriented” in session and are very disappointed if the goal isn’t reached.
  • Submissives see sessioning more as a journey that is to be experienced and enjoyed and the end goal is nice if achieved, but it’s secondary.

Admittedly most clients that visit a Domme are a blend of submissive and fetishist.  Most submissives have some fetishes that make them feel more submissive.  Many fetishists ultimately want to be controlled/dominated but need their fetish to get into the headspace.

In general, I prefer playing with clients that lean toward submissive.  I have had some great times with fetishists and I have some “regulars” that I thoroughly enjoy.  However, there have been others that I have decided not to see again.  A fetishist walks a bit of a tightrope when he hopes to see a Domme.  Many of us, that have been in the industry for more than a few years, are truly dominant (not just actors playing a part).  That’s why we are still around.  So when we are approached by a client that has very specific requests that don’t allow a lot of creativity and/or don’t sound particularly respectful of the concept of Female domination, we may balk.  Yes, as ProDommes we are being paid to engage in certain activities, but most of us need to feel empowered by those activities not just a puppet for a client’s enjoyment.

Personally, I tend to have issues with the pure fetishist that has no interest in the power exchange and giving up control.  These clients want to control every aspect of the session down to directing during the session if things aren’t going their way.  To Me, that is not what FemDom is about and these clients would be better served with a fetish friendly escort – even if they are not wanting to engage in sex.  The problem is, they often are looking for a skill level that only a ProDomme would possess – and therein lies the rub.  They want our skills but not necessarily the dominant headset that goes along with it.  Communicating all of this prior to a session is very important.  Having no session at all is preferable to having one that could go horribly wrong.  Getting bitchslapped for trying to control the session is probably not something a fetishist fetishizes.  (Try saying that 3 times fast.)

I would like to add that I think some fetishists are on a journey toward submission.  They want to let go, to give up control – they just don’t know how to get there.  I have spoken with numerous submissives that started out as pure fetishists.  Along the way, they found their true joy in letting go.  Often they will credit a specific Mistress that helped them turn the corner.  This indicates that trust is required and that developing a special relationship with a Mistress is necessary to make that leap.

There is nothing wrong with being a pure fetishist.  If that’s how you identify, then own it.  But it’s important that the Domme you are wanting to see understands your position and can make an informed choice as to whether to grant you a session or not.  Be clear in your communication and be prepared for the occasional turndown.  Trust Me, it’s better than being bitchslapped.

**Please note that I have used the pronoun “he” throughout this article for simplicity sake.  However, I will note that I have seen many submissive female clients and I don’t remember ever seeing one that I would classify as purely a fetishist.  That is certainly not a scientific sampling but it is a quirky fact that I thought I would share.

This article was originally posted on The Buzz Forum and you can view it there, comment and join the discussion.

 

 

FAQ #28 – How do I prepare for a BDSM FemDom session?

Sunday, 22 April 2018 21:19
Written by
0 Comments

Subs often ask Me if there is anything in particular they should do to prepare for a session.  Usually their mind is wrapped around their genitals and thoughts of edging, looking at photos, etc. are in the forefront, but there is a practical side to preparing for sessions too.  Subs get excited and sometimes forget the common sense practicalities of preparation.  Below are some pointers for making sure your session goes well.

  • Hydrate well prior to your session.  When things go wrong physically in a session (lightheadedness, nausea, tiredness, etc.) it is usually from dehydration.  This is the number one cause of fainting in session.  If you are having a particularly heavy session or a session that lasts 90 minutes or more, take a bottle of water or a sports drink with you in session and don’t be shy to ask for a swallow.
  • Eat normally.  I know pre-session jitters can lead to an adrenaline rush that can cause you to lose your appetite prior to a session but failing to eat can cause the same nasty issues listed above.  Even if you aren’t hungry try to at least eat a light meal prior to your session.  Low blood sugar due to a lack of food can really be a buzz kill in session.
  • Practice proper hygiene.  This should go without saying but be sure you arrive clean and fresh.  If you are coming from work or a flight and feel sweaty, ask to take a quick shower.  If you are odiferous your Domme won’t want to get too close.  If you will be engaging in anal play, give yourself an enema approximately 2 hours prior if at all possible.  I know this will be TMI for some, but all subs should clean in that area by inserting a soapy finger in the shower until it comes back clean.  There is nothing worse than spanking a sub and when you turn him over your knee he smells like ass.  Take this advice.  Your Mistress will appreciate it.
  • No cologne, please.  I know you think your cologne smells sexy and manly – and it may, but it’s not appropriate to wear it in session. Particularly strong scents have given Me a headache or caused Me to sneeze.   There is also the issue of transference.  Strong scents can transfer on to Us and We end up smelling like you.  A busy Domme can go home smelling like a department store fragrance counter.  I don’t wear any perfume in session for these exact reasons.  Please reciprocate.
  • Manscape if possible.  I know this is not an option for everyone, but even trimming can be a help.  Having to navigate around a full bush of hair to perform CBT can be awkward and actually hurt you in a not so good way.  Trim the shrubbery if you can.

In addition to these points, follow any specific instructions your Mistress has, including being chaste, preforming edging exercises or whatever She desires.  We want to have a good time just like you do, so do yourself a favor and prepare accordingly.

SESTA/FOSTA and how we move forward

Thursday, 29 March 2018 22:09
Written by
0 Comments

The adult industry, which includes Professional Domination, is aghast at the passing of the Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act.  In most people’s opinion, it will do little to stop the “human trafficking” which was how it was sold to the public, but will instead force the sex industry (including the traffickers and pedos) farther underground and make everyone less safe.  It also blows a giant hole in our internet freedoms but few are actually talking about that.  The bottom line is the new law will hold website owners, hosting companies, social media sites, etc. responsible for the content of their users. If a provider posts a tweet on Twitter that says she will be available for sessions in Washington, DC, (and if those sessions are deemed illegal) technically Twitter would be breaking the law and Twitter would be held accountable.  But what does it really mean to Us as Dommes and you as a client?

We are a long way from knowing what the fallout from this will be. As many have said, it will really be up to the courts. The first test case will set the precedent. The DOJ has already said they don’t have time to police this and many believe that the judiciary will see this as overreach. We shall see.

I am not a political creature and have no expertise in these matters but my guess is they will go after the “low hanging fruit” first. Sites like The Erotic Review would be far easier to prosecute than say Max Fisch. TER caters primarily to escorts and illegal activity (illegal in the US, but they are based in Canada where providing sexual services is not illegal) is openly talked about there. I know TER has taken their US forums down, but what about the profiles and reviews of US providers? Profiles contain information like “rimming allowed” and “cum in mouth”. They may self-regulate this too by taking all US provider profiles down. As long as those profiles and reviews are up, they will be a big potential target. It will be interesting to watch.

Eros Guide is another big question mark. After the raid on their call offices in North Carolina, they notified advertisers saying that they were based in Switzerland and that all our information was safe. It will be interesting to see how non-US based companies like TER and Eros Guide will be treated. Any of the websites that mix escort/GFE services with BDSM are likely to be gone for us going forward – either by self-censorship or heavy enforcement of this new law. Personally, I have never liked being on a site that mixes the two but we don’t always have a choice if we want to advertise effectively. I would much prefer being exclusively on sites like Dickie Virgin that cater solely to BDSM. I may get my wish.

What’s really sad for me to see is all the self-censorship this is already causing. People are so afraid that they are policing themselves before the law has been tested. We are letting them win. Until there is a test case, I am not doing anything.

Obviously, those of us that are established in the business will feel any fall out less than newer providers or those trying to get started out in the business. When the BDSM/fetish portion of Backpage when down, I didn’t feel anything. If anything, I think it cleaned up the business a bit. But I am not a new Domme trying to get my name out. I am well indexed and easy to find. If sites like MF, the Buzz and Dickie Virgin bite the dust, it will be very hard for a new provider to get her name out there. I feel their pain.

Regardless, I think it’s highly doubtful they will choose to go after BDSM anytime soon. We should all stick to best business practices on our own websites and social media. We know what that is, we just don’t always adhere to it.

What should you do?

As a ProDomme,  you need to get your name out everywhere now because you don’t know what, if any, sites will be going down.  Do not rely on one advertising source.  Make sure your website is search engine friendly and take steps to get it indexed properly.  If you have a free site like Weebly or a WordPress blog, replace it.  Those companies already have rules against adult content and will be sure to enforce it fully now.  Back up your website and at a minimum copy all the wording in the event you have to rebuild it.  It’s also a good idea to start researching non-US based hosting companies.  Start using encrypted email and encourage your clients to do the same.  Use “best practices” on social media, like marking sensitive content.  You should have been doing this anyway and the first to have their accounts shut down will likely be the ones that have not used best practices.  Allow clients to subscribe to your email list and back that list up often if it is kept at a third party vendor like icontact.  These are all things that savvy, business headed ProDommes are already doing anyway.  That’s why they will be hurt less by any fallout.

As a client, you should start saving the contact information of providers that are important to you. Websites, social media accounts, etc. may start to disappear. If they have an email mailing list, subscribe to it.  Replace your “sub-persona” email account with encrypted email.  I’ve been using private, encrypted email (Luxsci.com) for a while now because I’ve never liked the idea of data mining. However it’s only good if it’s used on both ends – meaning if I send an email to a gmail account, it loses its secure feature once it lands in your gmail account. Many people are converting to ProtonMail.com, a free (for now) provider based in Switzerland that claims to be encrypted and does not share or scrape your account for marketing purposes.  ProtonMail to My account would therefore be encrypted and secure.

So in summary, I am not panicking and I don’t think anyone else should either. However, it is good to be prepared.  I think it is sad to see this potential loss of freedom, but as a nation, we brought this on ourselves by being asleep at the wheel and trading liberty and freedom for security.  Sleep tight America.

Want a simple primer to get up to speed on what FOSTA is all about?  Here is a pretty cut to the chase on:

https://www.thecut.com/2018/03/sesta-anti-sex-trafficking-bill-fosta.html

Sign up for My eMail List