Installment #12 – The submissive side overcoming the dominant side
Since i was a teen-ager i have been dominant. i have been in control of every romantic relationship, led nearly every organization i was a member, and professionally am entrusted with leading others. i see myself as a servant leader in my professional life – always seeking to care for and help others but also always the leader, taking charge, being in control. Now focusing on my submissive side, Mistress Ayn is seeking to enable that aspect of my personality to emerge – it is quite a challenge.
When in Her presence for slave training, i find myself resisting letting go of my dominant side. i try to control the situation, often verbally as i do in my vanilla life. It is a hard adjustment to not take the initiative, not to try to plan activities or actions in my submissive life, and generally to refrain from being the center of attention among dominant Women. This struggle comes out in my all-too-frequent comments, often sarcastic and thus sassing my Mistress. It comes out in my wanting to orchestra how things will occur, which is often seen in my constant planning and strategizing my time and behavior for an upcoming slave training session.
As a submissive, a true slave to my Mistress, i need to learn how to let go and trust Mistress Ayn. After decades of grabbing control and holding on, this is indeed a major challenge. i am confident i have surrendered myself and committed myself to the right Mistress.
As my Keyholder, she has grabbed control – literately and figuratively – of Her (now) cock and balls. She decides if i get a release and how it happens. i still find myself wanting to try to manipulate Her into some command, but thankfully She is too strong and wise to fall for those tricks.
As my Alpha Mistress and trainer, i want to suggest what should happen in a session, who might be there, and other controlling suggestions. Again, She is kind but firm in not relinquishing Her control of my training. i am experiencing new things, things i never would have “allowed” or even thought of, and these are some of the best experiences and lessons learned as i find my submissive self as Mistress Ayn’s chaste slave.
I have never been a smoker so smoking is not something I enjoy. Early on I realized that doing things in session that I don’t genuinly like is very short sighted. I love FemDom sessions and I want to keep it that way.