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I have never been a big fan of putting labels on things or people.\u00a0 It can be so limiting.\u00a0 But sometimes things do need a bit of definition in order to avoid potential problems.\u00a0 Recently, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of clients think they are submissive when in actuality they fetishists.\u00a0 What is the difference?\u00a0 Let’s get to that in a bit.<\/p>\n
Accidently misrepresenting yourself to a ProDomme can cause problems in session.\u00a0 When the Domme is expecting a submissive client and gets what some of us call a “do me” client or a “kingster” things can go downhill fast.\u00a0 “Do me” and “kingsters” are derogatory terms we use to refer to clients that are very specific about the details of a session and will often continue to convey their desires during<\/em><\/span> the session.\u00a0 Pure fetishists are often defined as such – mainly due to a misconception of what they really are.<\/p>\n A fetishist is not necessarily submissive at all.\u00a0 Fetishists have sexualized a specific activity, body part, type of clothing, etc and need that in session to get where they are wanting to go.\u00a0 The end desire for a fetishist may very well be to feel submissive or out of control, but he has very specific needs (and is often very controlling where his needs are concerned) in order to reach\u00a0that end.<\/p>\n Submissives, on the other hand tend to want to feel out of control and their main desire is to please the person they are with.\u00a0 They are the delight of most ProDommes because they show up with a list of activities they enjoy, a few hard limits and they want the Domme to take control.\u00a0 Not knowing what is around the next corner is part of the appeal and they revel in a true power exchange – not a pretend one that they constructed.<\/p>\n It’s not that fetishists are bad clients.\u00a0 It is just important that we know what we are dealing with going into the session.\u00a0 By having all the facts we can plan a session that goes smoothly and is what both parties expect.<\/p>\n Still confused about whether you are a submisive or a fetishist?\u00a0 \u00a0Obviously, not everything is black and white but there is a definite difference\u00a0between the two extremes of submissive and fetishist.\u00a0 Here are some general ways I identify the differences:<\/p>\n Admittedly most clients that visit a Domme are a blend of submissive and fetishist.\u00a0 Most submissives have some fetishes that make them feel more submissive.\u00a0 Many fetishists\u00a0ultimately want to be controlled\/dominated but need their fetish to get into the headspace.<\/p>\n In general, I prefer playing with clients that lean toward submissive.\u00a0 I have had some great times with fetishists and I have some “regulars” that I thoroughly enjoy.\u00a0 However, there have been others that I have decided not to see again.\u00a0 A fetishist walks a bit of a tightrope when he hopes to see a Domme.\u00a0 Many of us, that have been in the industry for more than a few years, are truly dominant (not just actors playing a part).\u00a0 That’s why we are still around.\u00a0 So when we are approached by a client that has very specific requests that don’t allow a lot of creativity and\/or don’t sound particularly\u00a0respectful of the concept of Female domination, we may balk.\u00a0 Yes, as ProDommes we are being paid to engage in certain activities, but most of us need to feel empowered\u00a0by those activities not just a puppet for a client’s enjoyment.<\/p>\n Personally, I tend to have issues with the pure fetishist that has no interest in the power exchange and giving up control.\u00a0 These clients want to control every aspect of the session down to directing during the session if things aren’t going their way.\u00a0 To Me, that is not what FemDom is about and these clients would be better served with a fetish friendly escort – even if they are not wanting to engage in sex.\u00a0 The problem is, they often are looking for a skill level that only a ProDomme would possess – and therein lies the rub.\u00a0 They want our skills but not necessarily the dominant headset that goes along with it.\u00a0 Communicating all of this prior to a session is very important.\u00a0 Having no session at all is preferable to having one that could go horribly wrong.\u00a0 Getting bitchslapped for trying to control the session is probably not something a fetishist fetishizes.\u00a0 (Try saying that 3 times fast.)<\/p>\n I would like to add that I think some fetishists are on a journey toward submission.\u00a0 They want to let go, to give up control – they just don’t know how to get there.\u00a0 I have spoken with numerous submissives that started out as pure fetishists.\u00a0 Along the way, they found their true joy in letting go.\u00a0 Often they will credit a specific Mistress that helped them turn the corner.\u00a0 This indicates that trust is required and that developing a special relationship with a Mistress is necessary to make that leap.<\/p>\n There is nothing wrong with being a pure fetishist.\u00a0 If that’s how you identify, then own it.\u00a0 But it’s important that the Domme you are wanting to see understands your position and can make an informed choice as to whether to grant you a session or not.\u00a0 Be clear in your communication and be prepared for the occasional turndown.\u00a0 Trust Me, it’s better than being bitchslapped.<\/p>\n\n
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